"How Should I Handle this Paradox?" - Northstar Counseling Services |Northstar Counseling Services

I encountered an odd dilemma. I have a private practice in New York, and it is close enough that sometimes, not always, I bike to the office, instead of drive.

Last week I had a light morning schedule, just one family at 0930. It is a family with a history of shame and blame, based in their intergenerational transmission of many struggles and disappointments. Now the father brings his young adult son, and things are going well. They are on their way to new-found resolution and stability.

On that particular morning I arrived at 0900 (checked the time) and parked my bicycle in back of the office building. The waiting room was already open for other offices, so I opened my office, turned on the lights, read my mail, penned some thoughts for today’s session and waited.

Unlike some, this family usually arrives a few minutes early, so at 0925 I stepped into the waiting room to greet them when they arrived. But for whatever reason, they no-showed, and at 0945 I closed up my office and headed off on the next part of my morning. (When clients no-show, I usually wait a few hours to contact them without the pressure of immediacy.)

A half hour later I received an email from the father asking me to call the son about today. He wrote that they had arrived on time at 0930, and the son had gone in and reported back that the office was locked and dark. If an email can have a tone of voice, this one would have been accusatory.

I called the son and he said that they had not seen my car so they assumed I had not arrived. He added that his father had looked in and reported that the office was locked and dark. (In the interests of time, I did not point out the discrepancy in their stories.) I apologized for any confusion and rebooked for next time.

When do you recommend I confront these folks about their discrepant stories? When should I try to get to the bottom of the truth?

You could certainly take the inquisitive or direct confrontational route – many therapists would. My suspicion is that focusing on their obvious discrepancy is premature. Here’s are a few possible reasons….

(Assuming that there were no simple explanations such as daylight saving time, or broken digital clocks.)

1
You report that “they are on their way to new-found resolution and stability.” With many families with long traditions of conflict, starting to change things for the better will trigger unconscious pushback – the system is trying to maintain equilibrium, as they say. Trying to make that the next focus of therapy may be premature to repairing the relationships and co-regulating whatever affect comes up about their memories. THEN you might be in a position to discuss actual events without defenses, if it still seems relevant. Relationship connection first.

2
In families such as you describe – steeped in blame and shame — any crisis will require finger-pointing and assigning some failure and/or negative motives to others, if only to avoid being on the hot seat oneself. The goal of each member becomes, ‘it wasn’t MY fault’. Suggesting that you are the one who must be lying or mistaken helps expose the family’s dilemma like an x-ray. No need to waste this vulnerable moment trying to rush everyone into cognitive realities. They are ripe for empathy for their fears of vulnerability to each other. Spend your opportunity wisely.


3
Having made what sounds like lovely progress on the surface, you may be being tested before being allowed in to a deeper level of worries and fears of this family. To pass this test, you must show them a different way to handle the shame/blame cycle – and you have to do it under the spotlight of a crisis. ‘How can you maintain you were there when we say you weren’t?’ Can we get you to argue with us about our clumsy different stories? (As we do all the time…)
Or will you continue to deliver empathy for our accusatory defenses, continue to value our stuckness as an honor to work with, and avoid our surface invitation to divert your care for us into a search for ‘the facts’?

My guess is that ‘the facts’ – or anything else — can be discussed after re-affirming your deep empathy for this family and their need for safety and co-regulation of their big feelings.

Here are the priorities in order: 1) a sense of safety for the family, 2) help regulating their traditional big feelings, 3) then, lastly, if you get there, reflecting with empathy on the cognitive meanings of this situation, after no one is any longer fearful (as you are not) of being in the crosshairs of family blame. After all, sometimes all things are true at once.