- A parent used to try to help his child, age eight, understand and agree with the parent’s decisions. This father had had a painful childhood himself, and he kindly did not wish the same for his son. The boy would go along with decisions he liked, but learned to rage violently against the others until father gave in. He typically refused to cooperate with bedtime. He would say, “I don’t want to go to bed,” and then he would ignore or fight with father.
- “So I used to think, ‘Oh, his body knows what it needs better than I do,’ and leave him alone.”
- “But now when he gets oppositional and combative I move in closer and give empathy but also bring in limits, allow fewer choices and less freedom.”
- How’s that working?
- “His rages are shorter and less frequent.”
- I notice that formerly ‘fun’ father also seems calmer, less reactive, more confident, more serious, and makes fewer crisis calls between sessions.
- How’s that feel?
- He looks at me seriously. “It’s hard work.”
- This father who previously worked hard to avoid his son’s frightened and frightening feelings, has stepped up to the plate, taken charge and given his son the parental attention, limits and guidance the child has been both demanding AND rejecting at the same time [classic example of children’s Ambivalent attachment style.]
- It was as if by sharing so much inner confusion and chaos the son was saying, “I feel too much in charge of myself and need help. But I also will reject help, so you should expect to feel as confused as I do. Help me please!!” Parents and caretakers must then rise above the child’s helpless logic, see the big picture, take over, and free them both from the old stuck pattern.
Bedtime Success with an Oppositional Child
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